This is a topic that I have never written about and feel that I am ready to share what happened to me a few years back and how I got out of the slump I was in.
Chills are going through my body as I type this.
A few years ago my life took a major turn in which I felt lost and the world was against me. I kept asking myself why me? What did I do to deserve this? I felt down and out.
In 2008 my girlfriend at the time passed away while we were on vacation in Trinidad. She had an aggressive for of Leukemia which she or I did not know about. It was her first trip to Trinidad and also to meet my parents. It was a great vacation and we were having a great time until she got this headache that was excruciatingly painful for her.
We took her to the hospital and relevant test were done on her to find out one thing after another. This was a very scary time for her and it was also for me as I did not know how to deal with all this.
Things got worse as the days went on and she had a seizure. My heart dropped and felt heavy as I was there to witness everything that happened. My thoughts shifted to how am I going to tell her parents that their daughter was in hospital and things were not looking good for her.
My thoughts were all over the place at this point. What would her parents think of me? I took their daughter on vacation and now she is in hospital.
That phone call to her parents to say that their daughter was in hospital on life support was painful for me. I felt numbness all over my body. I felt heavy….
Sadly to say to say…..3 days after taking her to hospital she passed away.
I remember sitting there with tears flowing out of my eyes, shocked at what had just happened. I even remember my mom just standing there not knowing what to do as she had never seen me like this before.
When I got back to the UK, I was down. I felt out of it. Question after question came came flowing. All of which I could not find answers for. All of which I wanted answers for.
Why me? was one that always came up.
Life did not feel the same anymore. I felt alone and wanted to be alone. I slept all day and did nothing. I was feeling sorry for myself.
After a few months I knew I was not myself and new I was depressed but did not know how to deal with it all.
So I thought going to the doctor was a great place to start, which I did.
I filled out the relevant questionnaire at the doctor for her to tell me I was depressed. No rocket science on that one. Her advice was to take some depression pills or go get counceling.
Popping pills was not going to be an option for me so went for the counceling.
I contacted the people the doctor gave me only to find out from them that they did not have any appointments available for about 3 weeks.
I was like are you serious?
I made a decision right there and then that I was going to deal with this my way and I certainly did.
I could have lye there and be miserable or I could get up and take action.
I took ACTION!
The first thing I did was start reading. I bought some self help books on Amazon and really got in to reading. I wish I could recall the first set of books I bought.
Anyway, these books all spoke about having a positive mental attitude for life. To see the good in all. To have big dreams and go afer them. To write down your goals and take action. To visualize your life the way you want it….
I started doing all these things and slowly I was focusing on what I wanted out of life and not what had happened. I started taking action and focusing on myself. Suddenly the times when I felt alone, I no longer felt that way even though I was on my own. I started loving myself for who I was. I started looking at myself differently. I slowly started building my confidence back up, one day at a time.
It was not easy on some days but at the same time it was not as difficult as before. I was getting better.
One of the big things for me that really got me fired up was to get in the best shape of my life. I focused on my training and being consitent with it. I changed my diet and started eating healthier foods. I started my week with a purpose every Sunday writing what I was going to eat for each meal that week and had a structured workout program that I would follow.
I spent a lot of time on my own getting to know who I was and still do today. I spent as much as I could outdoors especially at the beach where I feel at most peace. I started a journal , writing all my thoughts down and how I was feeling, which I also still do today. By writing it all down I got things off my chest and it helped majorly. I was reading more than ever now and really enjoying reading, which I did not previously.
I surrounded myself with positive people that inspired me and motivated me to be better. People who encouraged me to do my best and give my best. I started training with people who were better than me which drove me to become better.
Things shifted for me when when I did all these things and believing in myself. Things shifted for me when I looked at life differently. Things shifted for me when I looked for positive in everything. Things shifted for me when I looked within.
Depression is different for everbody and people deal with it in many different ways. I look back at this stage of my life as a blessing as it has made me find myself and who I am. It has made me appreciate life even more as I know how quick it can be taken away from you. It has taught me to be positive and encouraging. It has taught to worry less and take action more. It has taught me to be FEARLESS with life.
We all have challenges on our journeys, but its how we deal with them.
Life is short, live your dream…..don’t let your dream live inside you!